REJECTING THE SYSTEM.....

And randomly I pick up the first register in my reach, flip it to its last pages and begin to scribble with the only pen that writes that I happen to fumble upon in the dark... the way I always begin on anything! Too much of a co-incidence won't you think? Sometimes I feel I am part of this secret controversy by one of those Greek Muses that dictate from your shoulder or as they might put it "inspire" you... another puppet in the invisible hands of fate, probably with imbalanced if not broken strings...

So, I haven't been able to put myself to sleep and am coming up with all sorts of after-dark insomniac, crazy ideas to distract myself... but then a part of me recognises them as futile attempts at suppressing the nagging desire to write... The razai seems warm no more and I surrender to the urge, wondering if I really had any other option... Catharsis I call it... Writing comes to me naturally as the only other way besides weeping to get it out of the system and I don't want to cry right now... Even the light from the heater seems sufficient; rather inviting I'd say...

It's about time that I stop lying to myself and admit it... I AM GOING TO MISS SCHOOL AFTER ALL... no matter how many pain-in-the-ass bruises it has given to my ego, for I cannot deny DPS RK Puram's role in helping me discover besides teaching what it means and nurturing it... Yes, these last two years have been looooong and I'm happy that they're over... but no matter how much I try to run away from the fact... the truth remains that I am a Dipsite and the school campus has been making me sick with nostalgia the past FEW (and no more, you get that?) days... I guess its been my Defence Mechanism: 'Rejecting the system before the system rejects you' as Rejection continues to stand out as my strongest fear!

Now to all those of you whose calls I'm repeatedly ignoring and others with whom I've been conversing in monosyllables without making eye contact... I'm learning to live without you and its SLIGHTLY uncomfortable even without your INSISTENT glares... Very bluntly, I don't know how to deal with farewells and goodbyes (with GOD KNOWS how much of good intended at heart)...

As my parched throat hurts, I can't help letting go of withheld tears rebelling against my strength to prevent their outbreak... and as they stain my strained cheeks... It finally sinks in... I'm leaving my second home!!! For so many years I had been successively growing complacent and in a matter of a few days everything becomes uncertain to the limit of being unsettling... and its like "13 years down the drain... What the heck???"... But then at the same time I know (or do i?) who all are walking with me beyond the school gates and no doubt they are very few... Its disheartening to know that you're leaving so much behind... but then again, everything that has made a difference is a part and parcel of me now and however hard I wish to rip out all of it; I realise that's what makes me what I am and minus this I am nothing... My luggage suddenly seems heavier as the ends of my lips twitch into a meek smile...